Mourning Has Not Broken…Yet

16 Nov

I miss you so much, My Beautiful Buddha Boy. The second week of missing you did not get easier. In fact, it was harder.

I said before that sadness sucks. Mourning sucks even more. What are you supposed to do? Think? Not think? Dwell? Not dwell? Well, I did think, I did dwell, I also walked around, I sat down, got up and walked around again. Repeated over and over. I even crawled into bed twice in daytime. Oh, and all while crying, howling, wailing, sniffling.

What I do know is that there is no supposed to, that much I know. Sadness is this thing that you just can’t say, “Go away,” and it goes. It doesn’t. It can’t. It just stays. Until I guess one day it isn’t there. Or it isn’t there like a big heavy cloud-like boulder above your head weighing you down. That day is not yet here. My friends say, “It’s ok, take a step at a time.” Step at a time. That is good advice. I have been doing that, little by little. Cleaning out Buddha’s things, giving some away, keeping those things dear to me, writing, making a book, and reading all my messages and cards.

You established your covenant with us through the family of Noah, and with every living creature, the birds, the cattle, and with every beast of the earth that came out from the ark. (Genesis 9:10)

Dogs. It’s been said that they are all about unconditional love. But I think it’s so much more than that. It’s not that they just give us that. Well, it is, because they do. But I think we need to deserve such an awesome gift. Because that is a huge gift. And we better be worthy of it. I hope that I was. Because Buddha deserved that from me. I took care of him. With love. And with unconditional devotion. Through lots of medical issues, I did my best for him. I loved taking care of him. I really did. It didn’t matter to me what was needed. I did it. You just do. And now I just miss him so much. It hurts. He was my precious, precious baby. Adorable and loving and sweet and kind. How could I not be missing him? He is irreplaceable.

I lost someone I love. I had a beautiful baby boy and now I don’t. Thirteen and a half years flew by. Where did they go? I can’t reconcile these things. Buddha’s no longer here. I look for him. He’s not here. It feels like he’s here. I trip over him. And I trip over his water bowl. And then I realize that he’s not here. And the bowl’s no longer there on the floor. It went by so fast. How did that happen?

Our pets give us the gift of unqualified and unconditional love. They love us, and love us and love us some more, and there is always more love where that came from. When they become a part of our lives they become a very special part of our family life and all that we share. We thank You, O God, for all that they gave to us. Compared to the number of years that we humans live, their lives are brief. And when their lives come to an end, we feel the pain of our loss, because a beloved member of our family has died.

I lost him on Halloween. Every year he was the Angel Boy. So not only was halloweenangelhe an Angel Boy with real wings this Halloween, he will be my angel boy always.

Goodbye is not an option. He’s always with me. As I am with him. I know that. I can feel that.

(Buddha with his angel wings on Halloween.)

I was reminded this week of a news story on Barbie’s birthday about Stanley, a man who collects Barbie dolls. He said, “You’re always in a good mood because you always have beauty around you.” Writing about it at the time, I noted, “He made happiness.” Because Barbie made him happy, that’s what he surrounded himself with. How wonderful is that? I, too, made happiness. Buddha and I had a happy home. It’s a wonderful thing to make happiness. And it’s even a better thing to be grateful for it. While you’re in it. And after it’s gone.

Was it by chance or by fate that the two songs I have referenced during this time, Here Comes The Sun (see previous blog post) and Morning Has Broken, both speak of sunlight – the light that brings hope for a new day. That both these songs I find comfort in lyrically and melodically. That both are by songwriters – George Harrison and Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam now) respectively – who sought spiritual enlightenment wholeheartedly, candidly, and publicly. That here’s my Buddha Boy, suitably named, for he was truly a Buddha inside and out. And that I have found comfort in such an inadvertent coincidence. Call it a fluke, godsend, blessing, or stroke of luck. By any definition, it’s all a reflection of my Buddha and my love for him.

Buddha. He was love, peace, beauty, kindness. He was light. He was life. He was a mitzvah. Buddha, thank you for being my dog. Your mother loves you forever and ever. Amen.

Morning Has Broken
Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the world
Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass
Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day

 

Sources:
Pet prayer: Adapted from Rabbi Neal Schuster
Barbie collector: ABC News/GMA, March 9, 2013
Morning Has Broken: Words by Eleanor Farjeon and music by Cat Stevens, 1971 (BMG Rights Management), from the album Teaser and the Firecat.

3 Responses to “Mourning Has Not Broken…Yet”

  1. Mona Kurnit November 21, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

    Yvette, he was such a lovely and loving dog. He was a good friend and neighbor. That he was special was proven by Ketzl . She really loved him, and as we know, she was usually a very cool character. I hope your wonderful memories of him will prove to be a comfort to you. Love,Mona

  2. Rosann Roxy Jentes November 21, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    I just read through your “Bhuddah Chronicles” and cried through all of them…I understood too well..related too well ..to the grief of losing one’s precious 4 legged child. Memories of the children lost came flooding back, and the fears of losing another,(quickly replaced with gratitude for the loved I shared with them). I looked down at my feet and one angel looked up at me lovingly and I grabbed him, hugged him to me,kissing that little face, and sent off my thanks to God for creating him and letting me enjoy my time with him.
    I hope all your wonderful memories of your baby angel will see you through this time. My prayers go out to the universe for you and all those suffering a loss. I know you will come through this as I have, stronger and with much fulfillment knowing the love you gave, the love you got was so great. One day I hope you will get another “Angel” because you have so much more love to give and your little Bhuddah will look down approvingly, knowingly, and let you know “Mommy you gave me all you could, please love this baby, and we will all be together at the bridge some day….”
    Thank you for sharing Bhuddah and sharing your feelings so gracefully. May God bless you with more love..
    with gratitude and love,
    Rosann (Roxy)

  3. greengrowsdark November 17, 2013 at 3:20 am #

    I’m so sorry….

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: